Great Expectations

Am I the only person who loves this story? Honestly, it couldn't be any better. The book is absolutely phenomenal. Poor kid grows up with no family and really, really makes something of himself. Goes through absolute hell in the process, but ends up with the girl that broke his heart in the end.

Charles Dickens manages to paint this picture in my head everytime I read this book - Miss Havisham's mansion, overgrown with weeds, tarnished silver still setting the wedding table in the garden.. the cemetary where his parents are buried.. the fabric shop.. I could see these things as if they were sitting in front of me.

The first time I saw the movie (the new one - Gwyneth Paltrow, Ethan Hawke), I thought I was going to die of happiness. Let me start with - duh - the two leading characters. Perfect, totally hot, totally awesome actors. Supporting characters were amazing, too. Anne Bancroft played Nora Dinsmoor aka Miss Havisham to absolute perfection. Paradiso Perduto was exactly as I had imagined it, right down to the creepy cat.

And my girl Tori is on the soundtrack. Doesn't get any better than that.

I miss having time to read.. I used to read CONSTANTLY. I never get to anymore. Too much scrapping happening lately.. maybe things will slow down soon.

So. So. Tired.

I feel like something just came along and sucked the energy, creativity, thought - everything - right out of me. Needing some rejuvenation time.. I wanna go away for a minute. I mean really away, as in, out-in-the-middle-of-nowhere-away. I want to see a waterfall. Hiking trails - or not, I'm perfectly content making my own, too.

Just gone.. but it's too hot. Everywhere. Camping season for me doesn't kick in until about mid-September, and that's when "teaching season" starts for me, so it doesn't look like I'll be getting the rejuvenation time anytime soon.

I haven't been on a boat since I was pregnant, and I haven't seen mountains since about a year and a half before that.. I miss that. I miss being able to pack some things and get in the car and leave.

I'm tired of being a grown-up now.

One of the Few I Don't Like

Tonight, on the Mike & Sara Show:

(Sara sits at the desk, happily typing away to forum friends..)

Rustle, Rustle.

Sara: What the heck's making that noise in the closet?

(she gets up to investigate)

Sara: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

(runs screaming down the hallway toward her bedroom, with the BAT THAT WAS IN HER CLOSET FOLLOWING HER THE ENTIRE WAY)

(Sara dives onto the bed, landing on a sleeping Mike, screaming the entire time)

Mike: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU SMOKING?!?

Sara: THERE'S A BAT IN MY ROOM AND YOU HAVE TO GO GET IT OUT PLEASE GET IT OUT YOU HAVE TO KILL IT RIGHT NOW MAKE IT DEAD MAKE IT DEAD MAKE IT GO AWAY IT'S FLYING IT CHASED ME DOWN THE HALL.

Mike: Would you please just hold me and let's go to sleep?

Sara: MICHAEL THERE'S A BAT IN OUR HOUSE. WHAT IF IT HAS RABIES?!? GET IT OUT OF THERE. RIGHT NOW. MAKE IT GO AWAY KILL IT PUT IT OUTSIDE WHATEVER YOU HAVE TO DO MAKE IT GO AWAY.

Mike: (Sigh.) Stop yelling at me. Dammit, Sara.

(Mike leaves the room and goes down the hallway)

(Silence.)

THWACK.

THWACK.

THWACK.

THWACK.

THWACK.

(Sara is cowering in bed with the dog - who, by the way, is apparently completely useless when it comes to all things bat - and decides it's time to make sure her husband is still alive)

Sara: (peeks out of the bedroom door and down the hallway in time to see Mike playing baseball with the poor defenseless bat) WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?

Mike: I'M KILLING THE (BLEEP)ING BAT LIKE YOU ASKED ME TO!

Sara: WHAT ARE YOU USING TO KILL IT?!?

(pause)

Sara: IS THAT ONE OF MY SCRAPBOOKS?!?

Mike: Well it kills every other damned thing, so I figured why should this be any different?

THWACK.

THWACK.

THWACK.

No more flying critter.

Conversation about what to do with the bat now that it's dead ensues; Mike votes leave it on the floor and let the cats deal with it, Sara votes FOR LOGIC - as in, hey, let's put it outside or in the trash or something.

Sara wins. For now.

Feel the Burn

I'm not happy if I don't have a lot to keep me busy. Never have been - I think it's why I always take on so much.

I just wanted to share - since we're at an in-between in Rhonna challenges - that I'm focusing, and being productive, and I got to cross THREE WHOLE THINGS off my list today. =)

Feelin' alright.

And I need Bruce Springsteen's Greatest Hits. If anyone happens to own this, I'll pay you to make me a copy. (I just don't feel like spending $40 on a cd right now) That man moves me.

Things are Better

Much better, in fact.. Mike and I spent 2 hours sitting on the bed watching t.v. tonight. It was nice.

Now I'm stuck on the sample for the Girlfriends class and it's driving me crazy.. want to go to bed, but I can't sleep. Got too much to do.

We're having the benefits vs. salary discussion this week to determine if and when I get to quit my job.. wish me luck, please. =)

Try Again

Many problems again.. this week has been extremely hard on my marriage. Just when I thought there might be a light at the end of the tunnel, my husband turned into a train.

I'm really beginning to wonder if we're going to make it. For the first time, I'm having doubts.

I have one job on this earth, in this life, and that's to be Zion's mother. I have been entrusted with this absolutely precious being - he is *my* responsibility, and I'm failing. Second to that, I am Mike's wife. I'm failing even more miserably at that.

Everything else should come after that, and I can't seem to get it right. I want to scream, "It's not just me - you're not helping matters!" But this isn't about blame, right? We're not functioning as a team right now, and if we can't do that, we'll never be able to have a successful marriage.

He called me a bitch and hung up on me tonight. Then he called back and launched into a tirade about "his son." Then he told me he was going to bed and he might see me in a few days.

Today Rhonna says, "Courage does not always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, 'I will try again.'"

I don't want to try again tomorrow. I want to crawl into a hole and cry.

Kindred Spirit

I love this woman. Never met her, so I guess that officially qualifies as stalking, but seriously. If ever there was a kindred spirit for me, she's it.

I was driving home this morning, and as usual, my head was cluttered. I was thinking about the "grieving" process I went through after Matt and I broke up, and how I dated all of these random guys and knew - I mean just *knew* - instinctively that they weren't for me. Most of the time, it had absolutely nothing to do with them. It had to do with the fact that I wasn't finished with my own journey. I knew that before I could be comfortable with someone like that, I had to be comfortable with myself. I also knew that once I stopped looking for someone, and started to just enjoy being Sara, I would end up falling in love.

Duh - that's exactly what happened. And OH MY WORD did it tick me off. I mean seriously.. I remember just being FURIOUS that Mike hadn't come along when I "needed" him, but when I was absolutely deliriously thrilled to be on my own. So it worked out ok in the end (alright, it's better than ok..), but the point is that until I accepted my own place in the world, there was no way I could be happy.

Alright, now if you're still here, we're fast-forwarding about 5 years. Here I am, driving home from work, realizing that there are so many things I need to do.

"Zion needs bunk beds," I think to myself (the kid isn't even two yet - bunk beds?!?).

"We really need a living room set.. I am so tired of our futons."

"The Renaissance Festival is coming up. I'd better start putting back money for my pictures." (yeah, cause I only have about 15 sitting in the closet that aren't even framed yet)

Somewhere around Raytown, it occurred to me that I am *never* going to be happy until I stop thinking about all of the "stuff" I don't have, and start realizing just how fortunate I am. Zion doesn't need bunk beds. We don't need furniture. I sure the heck don't need any more pictures of dragons. That doesn't mean that we won't go to Nebraska Furniture Mart in a month and look at bunk beds, or that we won't have a new sofa before Christmas, or that I won't come home from the Renaissance Festival with a carload of fairies riding the backs of dragons.

There is absolutely no reason for me to be WORRIED about it, though, for crying out loud. I have a warm house, an adorable son, a car that works (sometimes), FOUR JOBS (some people have none), a husband who, for some unknown reason, wants to spend time with me, and a network of extended family and friends that just about anyone would love to have.

Rhonna's quote for today?

"Joy is what happens to us when we allow ourselves to recognize how good things really are." Marianne Williamson

Did I say that I love this woman?