Today's challenge is about your deepest fears, so here it is, guys - all laid out for everyone to analyze.
My biggest, deepest fear is losing my grandparents. As much as I love my mother, she just hasn't always been available. She sent me to live with my grandparents when I was not quite four years old, and I stayed there until I was almost twelve. I lived with my mother and step-father until their divorce when I was fifteen, and then I moved back in with my grandparents.
To put this situation in perspective, without boring you with details of my entire life, when I was sick, I went to my grandmother - even when I lived with my mother, I always wanted my grandmother to take care of me. My grandmother has never, ever missed an important function in my life - my music solos, choir concerts, church functions, plays, Christmas pageants - everything. She was there for everything, and my grandfather - who, by the way, is not my "real" grandfather - was always right there beside her.
When I graduated from high school (no small feat, people, considering the fact that the entire school board wanted to fail me), my mother didn't come to the ceremonies because she had worked all day and was too tired. My grandmother was there with balloons. She spent six months making purchases at Family Dollar Store when I told her I was moving out - I had can openers, toasters, silverware, dishes, clothes hampers, sheets... you name it.
This woman sat down the week I planned to move out of her house and made index cards with things like, "How to Boil an Egg," and "How to Bake a Potato," and "How to Boil Pasta," because she knew I had no clue how to cook.
She helped me move in. She came to my pathetic dinner parties, just so I could feel like a real grown-up when I was eighteen and living in my first home.
I spent the first 20 years of my life wondering if my mother ever really wanted me. I know that sounds like a big pity party, but when you're a child, you think that there must be something inherently wrong with you. I didn't realize that it was a problem with *her* until I was in my early twenties, but my grandmother spent my entire life trying to make me realize it.
There were afternoons when I would sit and cry and ask her why my mother didn't want me, and she would shake her head sadly and say, "You just need to know that it doesn't have anything to do with you, Sara - your mother is flawed."
Everyday, I see more and more signs of age in my grandparents. My grandfather, at 76, an accountant by profession and nature, has problems with simple figures now. My grandmother, 66, forgets entire conversations sometimes. No, they aren't knocking on death's door by any stretch of the imagination, but I still worry.. who will I call for advice on raising my children? Who will tell me my shirt needs to be ironed? Who will I go to for tax advice (cause hey - having a family accountant spoils you)? But honestly, what terrifies me more than anything is who will I count on - where will my safety net be when they aren't there anymore? I'm not talking about finanances, here.. I'm talking about emotional support. When something important happens, who will I call?
So, there is a host of other fears out there - I refuse to wear a seatbelt, because I'm terrified of being trapped in a river or something. The idea of the house catching on fire consumes me - I have smoke detectors EVERYWHERE. When we leave, I even unplug alarm clocks. If we're going out of town, the refrigerator gets emptied and unplugged.
Karma's a big one - I always think about the karmic repercussions of my actions.
When it comes down to it, I guess I'm just a big ol' scaredy cat. Thank goodness my thrill-seeking toddler and husband keep me grounded. =)
